Polytical

Whether you blame it on reinvented, revived puritan standards, misogyny, or any other social force, the cultural environment in the West very often leads to what I would call “sexual minorities” beginning on the defensive. Whether it’s kink, poly, or any other group that has to withstand massive misunderstandings, misrepresentation, and blatant ignorance from mainstream culture, these groups have had to contend with a lot of falsehoods and accusations. That, in turn, leads us to want to laude our own communities. One of the things in particular that is frequently said within kink and poly circles is that the collective community spirit tends to weed out the most unsavoury elements. And by unsavoury, I don’t mean just your local, garden variety creepy lurker in the back of the club, but also very dangerous, abusive people.

But the reality of the situation, in my experience and from the experience I’ve heard of others, makes me question if this is something that is actually characteristic of our sexual minority communities. Do we really weed out the most harmful of abusers? Sure, I feel safe within kink and poly circles most of the time, a lot more than I do in more mainstream clubs and circles. One of the reasons that I love being in these circles is because I feel a collective ideological value in consent and respect that I don’t feel is particularly present outside of my community. But this does not mean we weed out abusers.

The article you’re reading right this minute is a prime example of why abusers are not weeded out. I have personal experience within my communities, but I am not specific because I can’t be. Because when an abuser is so entrenched in your community, so well respected, so well misunderstood, you can’t risk being specific. You can’t risk speaking out. A dangerous abuser isn’t the leering creeper in the corner. It’s a powerful social figure who wields two major weapons: doubt and fear.

You fear telling anyone because you doubt. You doubt yourself, your experiences, your ability to assess the situation, your ability to speak out for yourself, your ability for your friends to support you. You fear being ostracised, not being believed, being called a plethora of names. And even within communities with an emphasis on consent, respect, and open communication, this fear and doubt still effectively works.

So, if it’s the case that fear and doubt work well, so well that one can’t be specific about things out of fear, what’s the point? I guess I have a little more faith in our community, in our communication, in our ideals, and our values that I have to hope that maybe if we’re reminded of our community’s values, maybe we will get to a point where we can safely say that we DO weed out abusers.

What I’ve decided to be specific about are strategies that everyone can employ in their interactions, both public and private, as a reminder of what we value as a community. Most people, whether they think they do or do not know an abuser, can employ these strategies to prohibit enabling abuse.

Listen

It sounds simple. It’s something we should be good at, as poly people. I’m not a scholar of abuse, nor am I a counselor, professional, or any sort of expert on the subject. But I will disclose that in my entire life and the experience I’ve had of a variety of abuse types and scenarios, almost universally one’s first instinct when confronted with the idea that someone could be an abuser is flat, outright denial. I’ve seen it from people of a variety of backgrounds in response to a variety of situations and ways. It would be much easier for us all if abusers wore signs, if abusers weren’t our friends, but they don’t and they are. Abusers are lovely, nice, and charismatic individuals… at first. If they were always nasty and abusive, they WOULD be weeded out easily. But they’re not.

If someone comes to you, either in confidence or publicly, and speaks out about abuse they experienced, whether it’s partner abuse, racial abuse, cissexist abuse, listen to them. As I said, doubt is one of the abusers best weapons. And your doubt in your own community members during their most vulnerable of moments is one of the most powerful weapons of all. Your inability to listen, to hear them out, to understand before drawing your own conclusions, will allow any abuser all the leeway they need.

And here we come to the inevitable conclusion that accusations can be false, that people can make things up. I won’t pretend that people can’t and don’t make things up; that things can be exaggerated or that misunderstandings can become epic, but what do you have to lose by listening? What do you have to lose by first respecting someone’s right to be heard? Before hearing the evidence? No one is stopping you from drawing your own conclusions and making your own decisions by listening.

Someone who comes to you or comes out in public with this has already conquered their own self-doubt. And if you look at the situation, it’s generally a person coming out that has the most to lose, not you. At worst, you might not think so well of someone you once liked. At their worst, they could be mocked, judged, disbelieved, and ostracised from the only community that they may have access to that understands them. We’re already within a sexual minority. We have less of a reason and more of a fear to speak out. Being a tight knit community does not make it easier for us to identify and weed out abusers — it makes it more difficult for people suffering from abuse to speak out because they feel like they have to choose between the only tight knit community they have and telling the truth.

Stay Silent, Stay Strong

If you’ve done the listening and you’ve drawn your conclusions, identified an abuser or at the very least someone who presents a major problem within your community, this does not immediately equal you having to tell every single person about them. We keep silent in many situations about our status as sexual minorities in order to protect ourselves and in this instance, when an abuser has a particularly strong foothold in a community, it may be difficult to gather any strength among your friends. But you have a choice between giving up and letting the abuser continue doing what they do, and being completely out about all of your experiences and risk being ostracised or judged. The tactic I feel is most valuable for vulnerable people is a silent but strong approach. Make your feelings about this person known. Don’t advertise them, but don’t compromise them either.

Make sure event organisers in your community know you do not feel comfortable about this person and wait for them to ask why. Share your experiences if you feel comfortable, if they listen, if you feel your perception and ability to gauge your own safety is respected. Don’t share if you don’t feel safe. Make it known if people ask you what your opinion is. People still may not listen. They may not believe. But you can’t control that. By being silent but strong you are sending a message. Relating to people on a one on one basis about what you know is not sneaky or two-faced; it may be the only way you feel comfortable in being honest. And that’s okay. Remember that you’re not in a court of law and you shouldn’t have to defend your own ability to keep yourself safe or happy.

Self-doubt will tell you that you are overreacting, that you’re being too sensitive, that you’re mistaken, but at the worst, the strong silent approach means you stay away from someone who you obviously don’t feel comfortable around. Trust yourself and demand that your feelings and instincts be respected by others. If we are truly a community that supports the enthusiastic consent of others, then saying “I don’t feel comfortable around [Person]” should be enough for us to mutually respect without launching a full-scale inquiry.

You can take the same stance and prevent enabling as supporters, even when you are not someone who has experienced abuse as well. The doubt that tells you that because you weren’t there, you didn’t experience it, you didn’t see it and therefore you don’t have a right to be angry or object to anything is wrong. That doubt is another powerful weapon of the abuser. Bystanders who sit back, who allow things to continue, who don’t do anything and don’t say anything because it’s not happening to them are what an abuser relies on. It’s their bread and butter. Trust yourself and your judgments. You don’t have to experience it to be against it. And again, your discomfort should be enough of a reason for people to show you respect.

Ask

You can be pre-emptive in preventing abusers in your community by asking about people you’re interested in. We’ve all heard about this with regards to checking for references, but do we really ask for references? Do we really seek out the opinions of others on the new crush we have or the new person we fancy? Or would we rather pursue things and judge them for ourselves? I’ve made a habit, in light of many experiences I’ve had, to ask and encourage others to ask. One partner I had was blatantly dishonest with me about whether another partner knew about existed, and since then I’ve made a habit of wanting to be more pro-active in my metamour relations.

I’m not saying I interview anyone my partners try to date, but I do make sure that I know who they are and they know who I am and make myself available for them to talk to me about my experiences.

The benefit of the poly community is that partners and ex-partners should provide the best references. If you take the first two steps in mind and you make people feel safe in their ability to disclose information to you, you might find out a lot more than is publicly available. And it could be gossip, it could be overstretched truths, it could be anything but… again, what do you have to lose by asking? What do you have to lose from learning more about someone you want to be close to? Again, you’re not required to believe everything you hear and it’s up to you to make your own decisions about your own safety, but there is more harm in outright denying anyone’s perceptions or experiences than there is in listening. And a good warning sign for anyone, whether they are an abuser or not, is if they don’t want you to talk to their other current or ex partners and can’t really provide a reason for it.

So there are a few simple steps that if we all took as a community, I feel would help us get closer to weeding out abusers. As I said, I’m by no means an expert, but when we think about it, the vast majority of us are not experts on psychology or pathology, yet we all have to make decisions based on information for the benefit of our own well-being. Not to mention that as polyamorous people we acknowledge that there are no experts on our relationships, nor are their often any role models who we all can or must follow. Most of the “experts” we come into contact with have very strong opinions about how damaging and wrong poly is. Our community is stronger when we rely and support each other. If we all relied on experts to tell us how to make our own life choices, we wouldn’t be poly to begin with.

And finally, I want to add that I understand that there are many for whom these steps may not be possible for whatever reasons, who are in such a place of fear and doubt that admitting it to oneself is difficult on its own, without bringing a community into it. For those people, I extend my deepest of sympathies and I sincerely hope they find comfort in resources like this and find a way to escape the fear and doubt that abuse often creates.