A bit about me: I’m 28 and I didn’t even have a girlfriend till about four and a half years ago much less any sexual contact. I’ve been quite accustomed to being single so, not entirely happy with it but, I learnt to be happy by myself. In the relationships I had I wasn’t treated particularly well, I was expected to change and fit in with what they wanted in a boyfriend. I got cheated on and my inexperience in relationships made it hard to handle, hard to understand. There were times over the last couple of years, after I left that first long term relationship, that I considered going back to being single and not bothering with finding someone to be with. Then I got into kink and everything changed.
That might be skipping ahead a bit, I should give a quick mention of my first brush with openness in a relationship. She wanted to go out, and only on the nights when I was working it seemed. She went away for a weekend with her best friend and got drunk, she cheated. Knowing the situation and how it came to pass I forgave her but it got me thinking… I wouldn’t mind if she wanted a certain freedom from our relationship so she could go out and enjoy herself when I couldn’t be there. I shouldn’t have suggested that. Really, really bad idea. She was very offended. I’m not sure why, she’d already fucked some guy behind my back and we only met because we were interested in each other sexually.
My relationships ended badly and I stuck with waiting till something better came along.
My immersion into my local kink scene showed me a lot about openness and sexuality that I never realised, both in myself and others. I met all these people in different kinds of relationships, some were totally open, some poly, some a lot more complicated. On discovering all these different relationships I was attracted to the honesty and open minded attitude people had. The honesty and openness which my previous relationships lacked, where seeing someone else had to be conducted in secret and with lies and hurt: this was the opposite.
Partners encouraged to meet others and enjoy themselves with other people. The compersion I saw was fantastic. It was also the first time women were open about wanting to approach me, about finding me attractive. Let’s leave it at “I have had a lot of fun in the last year”, unless you want details in which case you’ll have to read the rest of my blog (you deserve a medal for being able to navigate my poorly written sentence structure but you’ve already made it this far so well done).
I met people and formed attachments to them, both emotionally and physically, but the feeling wasn’t always mutual and, in some cases, wouldn’t be returned at all. I didn’t mind. It didn’t bother me and I didn’t have the pangs of jealousy I expected or used to suffer in my mono relationships.
Yes I was single and enjoying myself but I knew my feelings and emotions. Two of the people I met, he is poly and she wasn’t, were going to be pushing their relationship into poly. I like them both, they stir different and similar feelings in me. Knowing this and how I felt I approached him to ask about dating her (if you’re a fabulous internet stalker *or follow the link at the top of the page -KC* you’ll have read his blog and you’ll know she was already going to ask me out). We’ve been dating for a few months, it’s probably longer than that, and I love her.
As with the other people I love I don’t require such sentiments to be returned, which in itself is a massive change from straight-laced mono to not. My poly experiences are a lot simpler than others, I attended a poly meet last week and realised the difficulties with managing a hectic personal and social life, with work obligations as well. It’s different for me, I have set hours and if I’m free I’ll make time and if I’m not I can’t. There’s no “ooh maybe”, or uncertainty about plans. I just need to check my working hours.
So now, rather than being mono and trying to keep people happy I’m not single but I don’t feel the total attachment I used to in emotionally led relationships. That’s what guides me, I’ve realised, as I’m not some uber ladies man with a bedpost filled with notches. I look for the individual and the connection. The emotions which led me to jealousy and longing and, sometimes, misery are now good emotions and to be celebrated.
The honesty and trust that go with this lifestyle are exactly what I’ve been looking for to help remove my fears of being cheated on or lied to as well. I’m happy for people when they enjoy themselves with others no matter what our bond is. I feel joy knowing that my partners are enjoying themselves elsewhere and even for the people I love but I’m not with, and won’t be. I’m calmer and happier like this. Some of my mono friends don’t understand and some are happy for the changes they’ve seen in me, the happiness I now enjoy.
My non-monogamous idea is something like…
“I can love someone and not require anything in return, I can love someone and be with them and know they are with other people too, be happy for them all and feel great emotional connection with people.”
Anything that brings me this happiness, emotional freedom and allows me to give to others as much as this can only be a good thing.
As for the lady I’m dating, right now I’m looking forward to seeing her on Saturday night and it’s not because I’m up for sex. It’s because I’ll get to hold her close and in private for once, without worrying about others watching or judging us in public. I get to tell her I love her each time I see her and that’s fucking brilliant.
Sorry for poor written style, it’s never been my strong point.
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