February 4, 2012
The Unicorn, or Fantasy and Reality
Ah, that favourite of poly fantasies: the unicorn.
We’ve all heard of them, that mythical creature who will somehow magically develop both romantic and sexual attraction for both members of an extant couple. There are a few required tropes that must accompany the unicorn: the clichéd OkCupid advert; the young, sexy couple, often a man and a woman, searching for a bisexual woman to complete their family; finally, the most horrifically boring of all, the series of comments from people passing a series of the same judgements on the happy, eager couple. Accusations of patriarchy against the man for seeking to have two women to himself, or possibly people mocking the naïveté of the couple, or even of people getting territorial over the perceived lack of potential unicorns… The very same people who might also have very similar adverts posted. Jealousy, fear of scarcity, dreams turned sour from years of patient, and fruitless, searching. The unicorn, both as a concept, and when materialised in an actual human in a ‘unicorn’ role, is saddled with a significant amount of undeserved baggage.
I know of what I speak: my wife, Tiger, and I are partnered in a triad with our favourite unicorn, Chameleon. We are (relatively) young, at least the two women are sexy, and Chameleon has certainly completed our family in a remarkable and beautiful way. We only deviate from the cliché in that we never intended to form a triad; in fact, we’ve actually only developed this arrangement through significant challenges, and just as significant surprises, for all parties. We’re living in a fantasy world by attempting to make such an unorthodox life work amidst the constraints of our society, and family situation. Yet, it may come as no surprise to anyone reading this that having the mythical unicorn enter our lives has not given us a ‘perfect’ life. The reality is that our lives weren’t immeasurably improved with the addition of Chameleon. They were, instead, changed. Whether the change was for the better or not was left entirely up to us.
In many ways, we were faced with the challenge of living with balancing the two great necessities of the human emotional condition: fantasy and reality. All of us must keep these two states in harmony (note: I did NOT say balance) or else we wind up becoming unhinged from real life, or so bound up in the ‘real’ that we lose any hope in the future.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that every human being alive enjoys fantasising about something, to some degree. I’d even go further and say that we simply cannot avoid fantasising. We could even call it hope, or dreaming; either way, we all want to either change our current condition, or to escape it, and by doing so change the way that we are viewing what may be an immutable situation. It can be light fun, or it can be serious protection. I thoroughly enjoy the fantasy of domination and submission that Chameleon and I play with. I’m not actually harming her, nor is she actually permitting me to do so. It’s fantasy, and it’s fun. The same goes for LARP’ing, video games, watching television, reading fiction, or even those minor daydreams that we all indulge in throughout the day. You know, those times when you are walking along, and feel really cool for whatever reason, and suddenly imagine the James Bond theme music playing in the background – and it’s for you!
It was just as much fantasy, however, when I told myself that my mother wasn’t actually emotionally abusing me so horribly for so many years. I was protecting myself from the damaging reality of her actions until I was prepared to place the fantasy aside. We can debate whether I could have accepted the reality earlier, and whether it would have done me less harm. All that I know is that I created a fantasy, and have subsequently, in my own time, accepted ‘reality’. I’m healthy, and have severed that relationship without regrets. The ‘fantasy’ performed its job well, in a gentle way that I think saved me much sanity.
As long as someone’s fantasy isn’t going to lead to obvious harm, or isn’t masking dangerous mental instability, how can it hurt? I might even push the boundaries gently here, and include in this our personal beliefs. As long as someone isn’t actively seeking to impose their beliefs on you, doesn’t freedom of speech and conscience allow someone the freedom to believe in any number of things that someone else might think are fantasies, including God, pride in nation, the espousal of unusual conspiracy theories, or even the fantasy of the ‘perfect’ unicorn?
I have experienced life with a unicorn, and I can very easily attempt to mock, or shatter the dreams of others who are seeking a similar life. Yet, what do I gain? In the end, what’s wrong with such fantasising? Similarly, what do I gain by attempting, in my pain, or jealousy, or frustration, to mock those who share fantasies that I once shared? I used to be a very patriotic American; yet, now the fantasy of patriotism makes me shiver. Even though I have been burned by that fantasy, others may still derive joy from it. And really, as long as patriotism is not leading the world into another insane war, what’s the harm of waving a flag on a national holiday? The same goes for those who ridiculed the attention that the royal wedding received this past summer. It is fantasy, and it gives people a little relief from the pain of ‘reality’.
Attempting to live a polyamorous life is for many, a fantasy. The reality of family situations, employment, or any number of other potential landmines and restrictions face any person seeking to live a life that is more authentic for them. I’ve accepted a life that was less authentic, and was more ‘real’. I listened to the cynical, jealous, and frankly, cowardly voices that sought to keep me living a life defined by the reality of the current situation, and devoid of the hope of a more joyful future. You know what? That life sucked. A life stripped of fantasy, hope, and dreams is a life stripped of joy. It takes courage to place faith in our fantasies and dreams, since they can be so easily destroyed or, simply, never be fulfilled. Therefore, I applaud any person who has the courage to fantasise. Even those OkCupid users. Why not? They might just find their unicorn, and the poly community will have another happy grouping that can demonstrate that poly life can be reality.
- bisexual | expectations | triad | unicorn
13 Responses to The Unicorn, or Fantasy and Reality
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We never stop fantasising- that, in essence, is what we’re doing when we use our “Theory of Mind”. We can’t read other people’s thought, but we try to get inside their heads. Despite our speciesism, this is not a uniquely human trait, either- it’s been demonstrated in other primates and at least some birds, especially the parrots and corvids.
There is nothing wrong with fantasising, dreaming and imagining. Didn’t someone once say that the first step to achieving something is to imagine it?
I wrote an article on the phenomenon of ‘unicorn hunting’ myself, a little while ago. Let me be clear, I think there is nothing wrong with the dream. I think there’s nothing wrong with the reality, either, if three people living that lifestyle together are happy.
What I DO thing is problematic is the hunting itself. When an established couple spam their generic message out of every cute bisexual woman within a 300-mile radius, it clearly proves they’re interested only in their fantasy and finding somebody to fulfil it, not in actually getting to know people for themselves. When they set all the rules and demands and expect that their ‘unicorn’ will play along without question, they show they’re not thinking about another human being, but trying to mold a woman into the object of their fantasy. As a potential ‘unicorn’ (read: young, bisexual woman) who has been the prey of these hunters more times than I can count, this feelings using and objectifying. That is why all us ‘unicorns’ collectively roll our eyes when we spy the hunters (which we usually can from about a mile away….)
On a slightly different but related note, the ‘completing the family’ notion is also rather problematic. This screams of trying to fix an existing relationship by adding an extra person. Expecting somebody to fulfil whatever you feel is missing in your life, thereby ‘completing’ you both, is massively unrealistic and the unicorn will always, always fall short of those expectations. A new partner will, hopefully, bring a whole new level of love and joy to your life. They will not complete you, fix the problems in your existing relationship, or never bring any problems or issues of their own.
This is getting rather long. I will leave you with my article on this topic:
http://loveisinfinite.wordpress.com/2011/12/22/attack-of-the-unicorn-hunters/
Finally, I think it’s wonderful that you and your partners have found a dynamic that works for you. That’s awesome! And thank you for the thought-provoking article.
As the unicorn in Dan’s life, I can confidently say that the ‘completing the family’ comment has nothing to do with he and his wife trying to fix their relationship by adding me into it. Maybe because they never intended to be unicorn hunters (and only discovered that was an actual thing after we started our relationships…), but believe what he was trying to say is that our little family is happy, whole and fulfilling for all of us in a way that we did not anticipate. That’s not to demean your experience or your views – expecting that a unicorn will magically fix existing problems is unrealistic, demanding and highly unfair of the poor man/woman you happen to attract. I do also think there’s a difference between expecting the fantasy to be real, and genuinely feeling that you want to be in a committed, loving trad.
Having read your article, I’d also like to make it clear that our dynamic is nothing like the one you have described, though I don’t doubt there are couples out there seeking that arrangement.
“On a slightly different but related note, the ‘completing the family’ notion is also rather problematic.”
I completely agree. I try to explain to people that you cannot “add someone to complete our family”. Instead, you are building a whole NEW family. People seem to think that they are just adding another person to an existing relationship. But that’s not how it works, and people who don’t understand this are the ones who have the most difficulties.
We are not adding to an existing relationship. We are creating all totally new relationships. Even the pre-existing relationship will not be the same thing, because the addition of new people will change the dynamic of the pre-existing relationship (not the least of which is because being in a relationship with someone new will make change the individuals into slightly different people – so the pre-existing relationship needs to change because the original participants don’t exist anymore).
The biggest problem with these hunters is that they think that 1) their relationship won’t “change” but will somehow be “better” and 2) that they as the couple have the right to expect that it won’t change and that their preferences automatically take priority over everything else.
But anytime that concept gets challenged, you get objections like “we have a house & kids, you can’t expect the new girl of 2 dates to be given parenting rights or access to the checking account!”, which completely misses the point.
I both appreciate the sentiment and am blissfully in my third year of being part of an mff triad that started with a mf couple plus me. But I’ll wholeheartedly agree with the poster above: it’s the practices of (a pathetically large majority of) unicorn hunters that produces the extreme disdain for them in our community!
What’s “wrong” with fantasizing, in this context, is that it is never without harm and never without affecting other people. In the process of thinking how great it would be to find that perfect third, these couples are behaving in ways consistent with their beliefs, which, in this case, means treating women like job applicants. In a very real sense, thinking of people as “unicorns” is, literally, dehumanizing them.
When two people who happened to be a male and a female in an established relationship, happen to meet a single woman who happens to be attracted to them both more or less equally, and a triad happens to come out of the experience because that’s what works for the individuals involved, that is not the same situation.
It is when any person sets out with a role already created in his mind and seeks a person to fill that role, he is not treating his prospects as individual human beings with the right to their own personal sovereignty. He is treating them as job applicants, as servants, as objects, whose purpose is to fulfill his own fantasy.
Notice I did not say “when a couple sets out looking for a hot bi babe”. I said “when any person”. Because this applies regardless of the relationship structure being sought. It just so happens that, in the poly community, we see the couples looking for a third most often, but a couple looking for another couple, or a single guy looking for a harem, or even a monogamous person looking for their Twue Wuv falls into this trap all the time.
The problem with this whole unicorn hunting phenomenon is a mindset that includes couple-privilege and selfishness (the definition of selfishness includes “doing for oneself *to the detriment of others*”). Someone said recently (it was probably Tacit) that a lot of people seem to think that any relationship where the original couple comes out of it intact is a successful poly relationship, and that’s the underlying mindset of *those* types of unicorn hunters. And that mindset gets transferred to their actions, and *that* is the problem with “the fantasy”.
There’s nothing wrong with thinking “I might like to have a triad someday” in the way that we all think “I might like to have a romantic partner some day” – we’re wired to create intimate relationships with other people. The “wrong” comes with “and she will look like this and do these things and be single and love us both equally”. The “right” is in creating spaces to fit the people in our lives, not finding people to fit the spaces in our lives.
A triad is not a wonderful arrangement – in fact, it seems to be the most unstable of the poly configurations. A triad with 3 people who fit together as a triad is a wonderful arrangement. But a triad with 3 people who do not work together as a triad is a train wreck. A vee might work better for them, or a quad, or a Z, or anything else.
The “perfect” configuration is the one that works with all people involved. But you won’t know which configuration that is until you have all the players. Picking the magical configuration first, and then trying to find people to shoehorn into it is the problem we all have with unicorn hunters, not the idea that a male and two females are in a relationship together. Meet the people and *then* pick the configuration that works best for those involved.
Find spaces to fit the people in your life, don’t try to fit people to fit the spaces in your life.
Right ON Joreth!!! Best post evah!!!
Agree with you 101%
This is exactly what I try to explain to people but you said it so much better.
Thank you….
N
x
Someone mentioned to me the other day something about a spoof reality TV show called Unicorn Hunters. Don’t remember if someone was actually trying to make this show or they were joking that we *should* make the show. But either way, this needs to be made now! I’m envisioning something along the lines of the spoof ghost hunters show The G Hunters (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT08iSM6NOY)
Wow! My post has apparently created quite a lot of comment! I really appreciate all of y’all not just reading the post, but taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.
I want to say first that I wholeheartedly agree with the critiques of the ‘unicorn hunter’ phenomenon offered here. Let’s be very clear: I do NOT advocate the type of ‘job application’ seekers who want a person to simply fill a hole in their lives. Love, and most certainly relationships, just don’t work like that…and certainly not when it’s begun as a search for someone to fulfil their needs only. I can fully appreciate that there are people out there who have acted in such a fashion, and have caused significant hurt to people. If you note, I never advocated that type of predatory ACTION. I was using the dreams of the unicorn ‘hunter’ (a term that I really despise, and am not really a fan of when it’s used to describe me, falsely) as a greater discussion of the ‘fantasy’ that is poly for so many of us who are struggling w/trying to discover who we are after having poly enter our lives…ESPECIALLY those of us who are forced to deal with the reality of the closet. This lifestyle often begins as a fantasy for someone dreaming about how life could be, if it were somehow vastly different than it often actually is.
This is coming from a place of frustration for our triad. Once people see us as a happy, FMF triad, and learn that it fits every single stereotype except for the single aspect that so many people have critiqued here (that is, any prior intent to form this relationship), we’ve so often gotten very negative responses, often based in that person’s own experience w/unicorn hunter couples. I completely appreciate the pain that so many people feel, or even the impressions that people have about the viability of the triad model (which may be completely correct for many triads, admittedly)…yet, have absolutely nothing to do w/us. My wife and I are not only in a different relationship, but have changed into people very different from who we were 1 year ago. It’s as if the existence of our dream to just live our lives together is not only demeaned from the mono world, but from the poly as well, all b/c we happen to fit into a stereotype.
Love is a fantasy. There’s so much that can go wrong…and in my life, love has gone wrong in so many, many ways. Poly is even more so. Yet, I feel as if many of the responses that some people receive on OKCupid and in the community are far more destructive to the dream than instructive. Maybe these people just need a good bit of common sense about the realities of poly life, w/o destroying their dream of a poly life. Is ‘unicorn hunting’ the wrong approach? Yes, definitely. Is a cascade of ‘how dare yous’ the best way to handle it? No. I want to make a plea for an awareness of the dream in this life, the joy of it: make people aware of the dangers that Joreth and Jess speak about, and then give people encouragement to dream a more mindful, respectful dream.
I think you’re missing the point that some of us are making. First of all, no one here seems to be criticizing your particular relationship. I don’t see that your relationship, as described here, has anything in common with the Unicorn Hunters. As I so often have to say in my own blog posts, if you’re not doing what I’m talking about, then I’m not talking about you.
Each person here who has criticized the Unicorn Hunters has made a distinction between triads and Unicorn Hunters. The problem, if any, with your post, is that there are very real problems with excusing “fantasy” in this context because it gives tacit permission to the Unicorn Hunters to keep doing what they’re doing. You say there is nothing wrong with fantasizing, and we are saying that there is *plenty* wrong with fantasizing.
An awful lot of people want to excuse people’s beliefs as if their beliefs were separate from their actions. They’re not. People’s beliefs inform their actions. When we’re talking about fantasizing about hot bi babes, we’re talking about dehumanizing those they wish to be in a relationship with. *THAT* is the problem, not the fact that some people happen to have ended up in triads.
When we try to point out how these sorts of couple-privilege, dehumanizing, job-applicant sorts of fantasies harm the community *including those having the fantasies*, we see a lot of apologists jump in and try to defend them with the idea that people’s beliefs should be untouchable from criticism or scrutiny. Some of us happen to think otherwise.
I think those who have felt the very real consequences of people’s fantasies are the ones who ought to have the right of way here. Just because it’s in someone’s head doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect real people in the real world.
I should clarify – most people are complaining about the actions of the Unicorn Hunters, again, making a distinction between them and people in triads. I, and others who have not necessarily commented here, are saying that those actions are a direct consequence of the particular type of fantasizing that the Unicorn Hunters employ.
So to say that there’s nothing wrong with fantasy is the quibble I have with your original post. Otherwise, I was right there with you on your other points.
Dan, I am in a triad also but have been pretty outspoken about the Unicorn fantasy because I have seen people behave in completely unethical ways to complete this ‘fantasy’. Many of us around the scene have. I don’t assume anyone is talking about myself or triads in general when they are talking about unicorn hunting, because I know my triad did not originate out of that fantasy.
I’m glad so many commenters are in happy triads. Being in a triad wasn’t really something my primary and I had thought about – we weren’t looking for the fabled Unicorn and didn’t see it happening. Plus, I will admit that we were somewhat sneery towards the Unicorn hunters – viewing them as a hetero couple wanted a living sex toy to spice up their marriage, and ‘true’ poly triads to be very rare. It’s lovely to see many of you are in long-term triads, it must be working for you
And well, fate being fate, my primary and I seem to have stumbled over one. As we were surprised by this we discussed a set of guidelines (I’m somewhat loathe to call them rules because I think they’re positive rather than restrictive) which we’re trying to follow, and taking it slowly. It may not work out as a triad, it may be my primary and I are just seeing the same person but separately, but that’s fine. It’s all very exciting
(Shameless plug) I blogged them here http://dayasalion.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/triad-of-awesomeness/