Ask Polly – Balance

Welcome to Ask Polly, the UK’s first poly advice column! We invite readers to send poly-related questions to our resident columnist, Polly, and she’ll do her very best to offer advice. You’re also very much encouraged to join the conversation in the comments. Polly can be contacted by email, on polly at polytical dot org, or via Polytical’s Facebook or twitter. Ask Polly is published twice a month, and you can read more here.

Hey, Polly!

Queer Owl

Hi Owl,

Thanks so much for writing and telling your story! Firstly, I’d like to congratulate you. It sounds as though you and your girlfriend are working through some pretty tough stuff, and doing it really well – the story of your transitioning towards poly was great to read; I love your solid base of mutual respect and compassion, and I think the way you’ve identified the problem here, as you not dating enough rather than her dating too much, is brilliant. This is all really mature, difficult stuff, and I admire your self-awareness: a big cheer to you.

So, you’ve said that you feel quite insecure with women and that you’re anxious even thinking about dating someone new. I think this is a really common feeling amongst queer women (and more on that in a second), but what I wanted to ask first was, well, are you really sure that dating more people is what you’d like to do?

I’m not asking this because you’re shy – I’m not trying to second-guess you here – and I’m not suggesting you become monogamous while your partner remains poly and runs around dating. I just wanted to float the idea because – well, you know that you don’t have to date, right?

While it might seem sometimes that loads of poly folks are dating new people left, right and centre, the fact of the matter is that dating takes up a lot of time and energy, and you don’t necessarily need to spend that energy on having lots of partners. I hear you on wanting things between you and your girlfriend to feel balanced, but I’d also caution you to only go out and date or shag if that’s something you’d actually like to do. Otherwise, it’s not really fair on you or your dates.

What else can you do with your extra time and independence? Living a poly life can free up time and energy not only for other lovers, but for other projects as well. Is there something you’ve been wanting to learn, or a skill you’d like to build on? Would you like more time with friends, or more personal space? Cultivate your own, independent life, build your skills, and see how much satisfaction can come from that!

The thing about cultivating new interests is that you’ll also find new social circles, meet new friends and become more rounded and fascinating as a person – all fabulous if you decide you’d like to date later on.

And if you think about this, and decide that it would make you happy to date now? Well, read on.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel insecure and anxious around women – that sounds really hard. What I can tell you is that this seems to be virtually universal to the queer female experience – most women find dating each other awkward and tricky, to the point of often not even being sure whether they’re dating or seeing each other as friends.

I suggest starting by hanging out with more queers socially – having friends is great, and you’re also likely to meet lovely people to date through friends. See if anything takes your fancy from this huge list of socials – I’m thinking of discussion groups like this one in London, or this one in Manchester. The news site Lesbilicious also runs comedy events, and I’ve also been recommended the Muff Scouts, a queer and trans womens’ adventure group, who sound amazing!

Clubs and bars can be a bit scary. If you would like to give somewhere like London’s Candy Bar (or google ‘lesbian bar [your city]‘) a go, read this and take friends.

If you’d like to get a bit more dating-specific, there are quite a few options. Don’t worry too much about finding poly-specific dating media – non-monogamy seems pretty widespread among queers (especially young, urban-based ones), so the concept should be familiar to most people you meet.

In person, PinkDate run regular lesbian (and bi) speed dating nights in London, Manchester and Brighton. You could also try Poly Speed Dating – the next London event will be around September, and there are hints of events in Bristol and Manchester soon.

Online, check out OKCupid – it’s much loved by poly and queer folks everywhere. If you’re bi but just looking to date women, I recommend labelling yourself as ‘gay’ if you don’t want to be deluged with offers from men. Say you’re poly, and mention your girlfriend upfront if you’d like to. You can search for ‘poly’, ‘polyamorous’, and so on if you’d just like to find other non-monogamous folks.

Lastly, check out these articles for more advice!

Autostraddle: The Ultimate Guide To Effective Queer Socialising – (read the article, and the stuff they link in the article, and actually, the whole website is pretty fabulous, and they have forums too)

Rookie: How To Approach The Person You Like Without Throwing Up

Silicone Valley: How on earth do women date each other?

Very best of luck!

Love,

Polly

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