Polytical

Polyamory in Print – 3 Books Reviewed

Grant Denkinson — Thu, 09 May 2013 06:25:29 +0000

This week, Grant Denkinson has reviewed three books which discuss or focus on polyamory

Love You Two by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli (2008) is a novel aimed at young people of secondary school age. I found it a warming and interesting read as an adult. An Italian-Australian young woman is thrown to discover there is more to her family’s relationships than she had been told as a child. Pina goes to discover more about ways of loving within her family and amongst her friends, including polyamory. She travels while processing her thoughts and emotions and then returns to navigate the seemingly stifling norms of her extended family and Italian ex-pat community as well as the image conscious younger women’s world of her friends. The author researches “rainbow realities” in usually more academic practice so the plot is drawn from real situations and the dialogue is likely to be authentic and contemporary. Aside from explaining to a younger reader that some of the terminology should not be used outside of the subcultures described, I’d recommend this book to younger readers and also to adults.

The Husband Swap “based on a true story of polyamory” by Louisa Leontiades (2012) is the story of a woman, our narrator, and her husband opening up to a relationship with another couple and how it progresses for her through various twists. I found the book contained big slices of the emotions, both joyful and painful, that I’m used to reading on polyamory fora when people describe their poly lives in detail in the midst of living them fully. I appreciated the detail of the feelings and worries and dreams while also finding the plot hung together plausibly and readably.

Threesome by Nash Popovic (2010) was introduced by the author at Polyday in London. Our fictional narrator has moved to UK from Eastern Europe and holds to his personal philosophy of love and autonomy in forming a couple of loving relationships with women at the same time. I found the language simple and the plot quite linear so this was a reasonably quick read. I still find it novel to see polyamory represented in fiction and certainly recognise the character of the narrator, seemingly contrary in following his own developed path rather than the mainstream.

Making Mistakes

Conaire — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 20:43:45 +0000

by Conaire on Polytical

Everyone makes mistakes. Every last person on the face of the planet, you, me, the people sat around you while you read this on the tube, each and every one if us and I would wager that a lot of us made mistakes today (I’m muddling through the middle of one as I write this). Making mistakes are how we learn as children and even as adults, but somewhere along the line, it becomes something which we are penalised for.

I know that with me, there are two types of mistake which really hit me badly, Small and big.

Small mistakes (such as somebody ordering a skimmed latte and I make a full fat latte, or I clean the house and an hour after I’ve finished, I realise that the tv is covered in dust) niggle at me, even though they are only small, because I never should have made them in the first place.

There are medium level mistakes too, like answering a question wrong on an exam, or filling in a legal form wrong. These don’t annoy me: I may be upset with the results, but they’re fine overall.

Then there are the big mistakes. In relationships, I’m sure, we all have the stories. I remember in the early days when I had first started dating Wolf, I asked out another girl and we had plans to meet on a Saturday. She didn’t turn up so I decided to hang out with Kris, then Wolf came to join us and meet Kris, making the best of a bad situation. *proud smile*

So long story short, turns out I had forgotten to tell Wolf that I had plans to meet the other girl. *Wipes smile off face.*

This hurt Wolf and shook her trust in me, a problem which took six months to even begin to work through, but in a strange way it was beneficial for both of us.

Firstly, it meant that I started to learn what areas of relationships I needed to work on. Making sure that I AM communicating became a priority on my list of things to watch. As a strongly independent person, I had never really had to work on it. W also started to work on her trust issues, realising that this and a few other things had been stopping her from really trusting me.

In summary: everyone messes up, when you or someone you know does: forgive but don’t forget, don’t sweep it under the rug and definitely use it to make yourself a better person or to strengthen your relationships.

A new beginning at 35: establishing a primary relationship with myself

onmybike365 — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 17:49:11 +0000

by onmybike365 on Polytical

This article is about a new beginning after a long-term monogamous relationship. How best to balance the primacy of my new relationship with myself and opportunities to grow through friendship and intimacy with others? How ‘out’ to be at this stage?

That was then

In 1997, as a 20 year old student, I met my first girlfriend. She recalls feeling uncomfortable when I said on our first date I didn’t want an exclusive relationship. During a summer cycling trip 12 exclusive years later, I initiated a serious conversation with her about opening our relationship. To be precise, I suggested we do a SWOT analysis of the relationship. Yes I know that’s hilarious. I’m a management consultant. It was an unexpectedly good conversation.

In the 18 months that followed we continued to talk intermittently about how to move forward but she felt very unsafe, I felt stuck, and sadly we started to move apart. Eventually we agreed to spend the summer of 2011 travelling separately, free to have sex with other people. Would I get something out of my system?

Having some time apart was definitely the right way to break the impasse. My partner isn’t the book-learnin’ type, but we both read ‘The Ethical Slut’ (Easton and Hardy, 2009) and ‘Opening Up’ (Taormina, 2008), and arranged some sessions with a couples therapist before and after the experiment. My partner travelled to San Francisco, whereas I opted to cycle by myself from London to Lesbos and back again, via the Balkans. Not the obvious or – as it turned out – the most effective way to get laid a lot but an extraordinary adventure nonetheless.

On returning home from our respective travels my partner and I decided to separate permanently, after 14 years. We’d both proven our points to ourselves. I loved her as much as ever, but I needed to experience new ways of relating and sex with different people (something I was actually terrified about, much as I wanted it). I also realised how much I needed to force myself ‘out of my comfort zone’ more generally, in order to grow as a person. I’d stretched more and felt more in those few months apart than I had for years.

My partner had warned me she might fall in love that summer and, sure enough, she’d left her heart in San Francisco. The therapist who has worked with me throughout this transition summarised things beautifully: in the final reckoning neither my partner nor I chose our relationship; I didn’t continue to choose it over my freedom and she didn’t choose it over her safety.

Some of our friends were baffled and/or palpably shaken by our mutual decision to separate (which we attributed to ‘wanting different things’) – we were the longest-standing couple many of them knew. My partner sold me her share of our house and, 12 months later, emigrated to be with her new partner. For me, those 12 months were about grieving (she’d been my family, my home) and practising shagging, not usually at the same time.

This is now

After my partner emigrated, I felt a weight lift from me. 35 and single for the first time in my adult life, my next significant relationship would be with myself. Being part of a couple felt safe and wonderful, but for the next phase of my life my identity will be my individual self. I quickly learned to enjoy living and spending time alone, I fed and generally took care of myself, read about personal development, invested time in friendships, stretched myself in a host of ways. A sense of calmness and presence descended on me. For a few months I felt wonderful.

Having been in one ultra steady relationship for all my adult life (and competently parented before that) I’m relatively secure, but I’m inexperienced in relationships and perhaps a bit naive. I’ve started to dip a toe into new queer communities here in London (on- and offline) and been fortunate to find my first role models for negotiated open relationships. I’ve met some great new friends and lovers. I feel immense gratitude for a handful of quality notches in the proverbial bedpost: hot encounters and short relationships from which I’ve gained a ton of confidence and fun.

After a couple of slightly bruising experiences I quickly resolved only to become involved with people already decided on principled, open forms of relationship. First, I don’t want to feel someone would rather be in a monogamous, ‘couple’ style of relationship (which is not something I anticipate ever choosing again). Second, I’m a little scared I will repeatedly lose lovers to monogamous couplings (promises of, demands for, aspirations to). All these things have happened already.

Six months ago I met PNS (pretty new squeeze). Though she hadn’t previously experienced or considered open forms of relationship, she has her own reasons for taking a chance. She’s hot, bright and funny and I feel thankful to have met her. But, I’m scared. In addition to the suspicion she’s frequently uncomfortable and would really rather continue being serially exclusive, I’m scared that – by allowing my intimacy with PNS (or anyone) to develop – I will lose my identity and the sense of self for which I sacrificed so much. I enjoy intimacy, I’m not bad at it, and I have a lot to give, but separateness and the freedom to stretch and grow are non-negotiable. Interestingly, one close friend who read a draft of this article said she had not understood until now this new imperative in my life, so I must be getting better at explaining it at least.

Meanwhile, some friends ask NOT if I’m alright and enjoying my life but whether I have a new girlfriend, as if that is the measure of being alright. I wince and want to say ‘you’re missing the point!’ Some serially monogamous friends – some of whom settled into long-term couplings with ‘The One’ in their thirties around the same age I broke mine – seem to regard me with pity as if I’ve done things the wrong way round. I’m almost sure some friends find my journey of sexual and self-discovery a bit embarrassing. One friend even scoffed that she ‘wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who goes to play parties’. I wish I’d said to her ‘but you go to a swimming club to practise your hobby and meet new people, what’s the difference?’

Sometimes I feel lonely but – interestingly – no more often than I felt lonely within my long-term relationship. Many people avoid feeling uncomfortable at all costs; I’ve learned that feeling uncomfortable sometimes is important for growth. I wonder why my choice to leave the comfort zone of my former partnership – and to shun the default ‘relationship escalator’ model for my current and future intimacies – seems to be so uncomfortable for some of the people who know me.

I would like the important people in my life to understand my considered philosophy on relationship, but I am reticent for fear my integrity (even my sanity) be called into question. This has happened already, in subtle and not so subtle ways. My new ‘poly’ friends say I am right to fear judgment. Conversely, when I first came out as a dyke aged 19 I began shouting it from the rooftops as a student activist, even before I had any sexual experience. I don’t think I’ve ever internalised society’s heterosexism and homophobia, whereas I’ve no doubt that internalised ‘monogamism’ and ‘polyphobia’ are affecting me now.

In summary then, I am trying to find my way as a conscious and conscientious participant in open forms of relationship without losing my newfound sense of self. I don’t usually struggle to make myself understood but, on this issue, I am easily disheartened by people’s incomprehension. To finish, here are five things that feel true for me now, and a question:

I enjoy connection and am grateful for my past and present intimacies, and I need separateness too. Separateness involves time by myself, time with friends, and absolute freedom to seize life’s opportunities (erotic and otherwise). Yes life might be a bit more ‘complicated’ than it used to be. I don’t care.
That ‘everybody knows’ something doesn’t mean it is true. When my lover relates to another person I do not feel that I lose something. Sharing an erotic and/or loving connection with someone does not generate a need to merge my life with theirs or a desire to ‘own’ them. Also, I will endeavour never again to take anyone’s love for granted.
I don’t have much experience of jealousy which – in common with many who practise open relationships – I think of as a light shining on whichever insecurity is causing discomfort. I don’t believe jealousy is inevitable. I have no doubt I’m capable of compersion and I hope to have the opportunity to confirm this sooner rather than later.
I don’t yet have much experience of negotiating open relationships. I’m learning about balancing separateness vs. connection, privacy vs. disclosure, and so on. Privacy seems important to me as a defence not against jealousy but against loss of self, but my thinking about this feels confused. I’ve just read this ‘Solo Poly‘ blog post and found a lot that resonated.
When I left my long-term partnership I did not turn overnight into a cad and a bounder; I’m as honest, careful and loyal a person as I’ve always been. I would like to give the people who matter to me the opportunity to understand and support my choices, but I’m scared of being misunderstood and judged. Should I build up my experience and support network a bit more first, or just go for it?

Thank you to AB, AJ, AJT, AR, BE, BT, FA, GR, HJ, JND, LW, SH, VB and to my former partner for reading drafts.

Relationship Assumptions: Cheating and Commitment

BMinstrel — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 05:59:45 +0000

by BMinstrel on Polytical

Today a friend told me that there was a debate on This Morning about mistresses. I haven’t seen it and I don’t know whether it was about ethical, consenting extra-marital relationships, about illicit affairs or a mix of both. To be honest, I rarely find the debates on shows like that to be useful as they are set up so as to ensure controversy. Nothing makes bad television like a group of people each listening to each other and calmly working through their differing points of view to find common ground and mutual understanding, whether or not they find their own views changed.

I didn’t bother watching, but because I am interested in society’s views on polyamory I had a quick glance at Twitter. Almost all of the responses seemed to make the same basic point: that whether or not the arrangement was consensual, “everyone knows” that “cheating” is wrong and “people who can’t commit” shouldn’t be in relationships.

I am polyamorous and I am writing in a polyamorous blog. I make no claims of being unbiased, but for the sake of trying to make way for some proper debate on the rights and wrongs of non-monogamous relationships, there’s a couple of points to be made:

The first is that if one side disagrees with something that “everybody knows” then, clearly, that’s not something that everybody knows. In fact, that’s probably pretty much the core of the thing you’re trying to debate.

“Everybody knows” that having more than one partner is against the rules of relationships, and polyamorous people are breaking those rules and are therefore “cheating”. Except that really is the whole point: polyamorous people do not claim to follow those same rules. It is utterly obvious that if they did, they would be behaving in a way that was wrong and there would be no debate to be had.

In a monogamous relationship it is always the case that having more than one partner means you’re cheating. We don’t have to differentiate between “cheating” and “non-exclusivity” because it’s obvious that they’re equivalent in this sense. The problem is that the same shortcut reasoning doesn’t work in a polyamorous relationship where, by definition, no such rule of exclusivity exists.

So, can you cheat in a poly relationship? Can you be in two committed relationships at once, and be faithful to multiple people? Yes, on all counts.

A quick dictionary lookup of commit gives me:

“to pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express one’s intention; to bind or obligate as by pledge or assurance.”

For cheating I get

“to defraud, swindle, deceive, influence by fraud, elude, deprive of something expected; to practice fraud or deceit, to violate rules or regulations, to take an examination or test in a dishonest way; informal: to be sexually unfaithful.”

And for faithful:

“strict in performance of duty; true to one’s words or vows; steady in allegiance or affection; reliable, trusted or believed; adhering or true to fact.”

I could go on, but the point is that all of these words are about the rules and expectations that they are being applied to. They are about adhering to or breaking agreements and rules — implicit or explicit. You commit to being faithful to your promises, or an agreement, and to being trustworthy. If what you agree with your partner allows for other relationships then they aren’t cheating, and they aren’t in any way undermining the commitment you show that partner in other ways.

In case anyone reading this thinks, “The slippery sod is trying to hide behind dictionary definitions to defend his sordid behaviour,” I should point out that these rules and understandings are things we need to discuss and agree in advance with each of our partners, not simply quote after the fact as justification for any breach of trust.

If the agreed rules of your relationship — implicit or explicit — are that you maintain sexually exclusivity, then it is clear that any additional sexual relationships would be cheating with respect to those rules, breaking your commitment, and behaving in a manner that is unfaithful.

If the agreed rules of your relationship are that it is not sexually exclusive (and given the cultural norms it would be reasonable for those rules to have been agreed explicitly) then words like “cheating” and “unfaithful” and “can’t commit” in this case are really being used as a fig leaf for the assertion that not remaining sexually exclusive is wrong.

On that point we could have a proper debate, or indeed on whether people in a relation have the right to agree their own rules or whether everyone should have those rules imposed on them by society. That’s actually quite an interesting and subtle debate with many interesting points of view. In the mean time though, throwing about accusations of someone of “cheating” on a partner who is happy for them to have other relationships is simply demonstrating an entrenched position that has failed to listen to or consider the other side’s fundamental position. It’s as meaningless as a footballer at a basketball match complaining about the number of hand-ball fouls that a player is committing.

A Poly Origin Story

Conaire — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 05:56:37 +0000

by Conaire on Polytical

If being poly were my superpower, this would be my poly origin story…

When I was young, I made all of my life choices based on what seemed like the right thing to do and at the time. Even today, I wonder if I would be a bit better off if I had followed that standard path through life, focused on psychology, media and ICT throughout college, then followed up with business studies in university, but I had a number of things which changed the course of my life forever.

When I was thirteen, I met my biological father and as a result of trying to save money, my mom had bought a twin room for our stay. I woke up in the middle of the night to find them having sex on the other bed. This led to my mother using me as a councillor, her divorce from my stepfather and my first real blow to my perceptions if the world.

In my last year of high school, my grandfather on my mother’s side died. I had been brought up by him in part for some of my early years and this loss hit me hard. I derailed ever so slightly and began shirking my studies, smoking, lazing about, etc. I couldn’t bring myself to focus on anything professionally, but still left high school with good grades.

I went to college and met Morgan. Within a year, we were engaged but I was still trying to play the field. I failed one of my subjects due to focusing more on relationships than on working (ICT) but passed with flying colours another for the simple fact that the work played into this urge to focus on relationships and mental states (Psychology). A result of course of this is that I dropped out if college to try and figure myself out, and I went travelling.

I went to Africa for a couple of months and the relationship between Morgan and I ended, followed by my first tastes of no-pressure sex.

A few months later my grandmother on my father’s side also passed away, when I decided that my life was not enough. I went back to college, began a relationship with Blair and tried to focus on work, resulting in great grades in my Applied Sciences course.

And then Blair cheated on me. I knew about it from rather early on, but she denied it tooth and nail from the get go.

What I found was that I was accepting of her seeing the other guy, but not happy with the lies. In part, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, thinking that I was wired wrong. I moved away from relationships in that setting and began looking once again to the no-pressure relationships, back and forth between Shea (an old girlfriend) and Elan (a friend from college), with dabbling in kink, but nothing was quite what I wanted.

I then went to university and stayed mostly single for the three years I was there, which allowed me to start understanding myself. I had friends with benefits (primarily Stacy), a few one night stands (due to a passive interest in the pickup community) and so on, making mistakes and blah blah blah. I learned a lot, but it wasn’t until after university, when I came back home, that it all came together.

I met a woman in a pub, where she was working and asked her on a date. This was my first interaction with Wolf. I was doing research at the time on relationship models and found the word ‘polyamorous’, had started meeting poly people online and off, discovered that one of my closest friends at the time Kerry was poly (which resulted from a great visit back to my university city to see Stacy), and on our very first date, I told Wolf that I was poly, that I was eager to continue dating other people and that if she wasn’t able to handle it (as she was mono in and of herself), that I would rather be friends than be doomed to a failed relationship. This was my first time coming out to someone who wasn’t a partner and over the next few months, I didn’t really stop. Everyone now knows except my family.

Wolf and I didn’t really see each other much for the two months following this. I attended Polyday with a friend (Kris) and we almost ‘escalated to the next level’, but never quite did, and played a bit with Shea, but then Wolf and I took off in a large way, becoming kinky, sexy and cool.

A year on, we are now living in London and while we have our ups and downs, we are figuring it out and currently not dating, Though we are exploring the lifestyle, through meetups, other poly friends and so on.

Names and any identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Starting Out Duogamous

redfern — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 07:17:10 +0000

by redfern on Polytical

The man I love, and I, have been polyamorous for a long time now – for me, relationships without artificial boundaries represent freedom, trust, and good-old exploring-with-your-partner fun. In fact, free love is a cause I have dedicated my life toward, as a poly science fiction writer and activist. How then, to deal with a relationship with someone new to poly life?

I’ll start by saying that, at present, I am in an exclusive trio. To many this sounds odd, particularly in a city where open relationships are the norm but polyamory is not. Fuck others, yes; love others, no. To queer Berliners being in such a relationship means free sex, and I’m usually confronted with a verbal double-take when I reveal that I’m currently exclusive to the two people I love. It’s certainly an unusual situation for me, having never even been part of a three-way bond – my partner and I have dated other people, but our constellations have always remained more-or-less separate.

Perhaps this unusual situation is a result of our unusual lover: a stocking-loving, silly, hilarious man who was perfectly comfortable with seeing the two of us together, but whose experiences lie in the world of monogamy. He is not at peace with more mainstream ‘open relationships’, and so we three set off on our duogamous journey together. It’s an adjustment – as a socialist who doesn’t believe in ownership, is it any better for three people to claim exclusive rights than two? Is such a position sustainable? How do we navigate a scenario which is new for all of us?

“I’m afraid I’m holding you back.”

This is his most consistent concern, and I know that to fall in love with someone polyamorous (admittedly to the point of dogmatism) cannot be easy. Writing is my life, and my life is turned into writing: the books, the articles, the poems I have written on relationship freedom are always there, beckoning to a life which he may not be ready for – if indeed he ever is. And so comes my reply:

“I don’t feel held back. I feel like I’m exploring.”

And this is true. Being in a trio is new to me. As no-one polyamorous needs telling, finding other poly people is not an easy task. Those I have dated have dated me in spite of my other relationship: the fact that I’m in love with someone else a point which was, at best, overlooked. This is new, and it’s a move forward I have never experienced. It’s a move forward which part of me feared I would never experience. So I do not seek forgiveness from the gods of sexual liberation.

Nor do I currently even feel the need to have sex with others – at the start of a new relationship I am sexually enveloped in that person, and my visits to dating sites and bars decrease accordingly. But I do not, and have never felt, the desire to possess him. I trust that those I love will return to me. Like most of those on the poly side of the relationship spectrum, I am an eternal optimist.

As to the future? Who knows. I may be dogmatic, but am not beyond patience, or tolerance, or even compromise. Nor am I the first poly person in such a position, nor will I be the last. For now we are simply starting out, and whatever happens, we started out duogamous.

Au Revoir

Bobbu — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 22:25:47 +0000

by Bobbu on Polytical

You might have noticed that Polytical has been quite quiet over the past month. For that I am very sorry, but we’ve been very busy.

More accurately, I’ve been very busy. Your trusty editor has gotten himself a day job, my own artistic endeavours have begun to take on a sheen of vague popularity (if only within appropriately mad circles), and to be entirely honest, life has caught up with me somewhat. To give you an idea of how busy I am – I’m writing this article on a bus.

So the flow of articles stuttered and stopped, I had no time to chase up our splendid collection of writers, and so Polytical became somewhat silent for a month. Fortunately, my fellow trustees have taken up the slack in the social media realms, so our Twitter and Facebook accounts have still had a pleasant bit of action.

All this has lead me to the regrettable conclusion that I have neither the time nor the energy to continue in my role as editor. It saddens me that I can no longer dedicate a large portion of my life to ensuring the quality and quantity of articles on Polytical are to the highest standards; however, I have spent the better part of two years in this particular role and feel that I have given all I can.

So the time has come for me to hand over the torch to a new chap, who shall be taking over the unenviable position of prodding our amazing writers, dealing with media enquiries, editing articles, and covering the social media with our presence. This fine new gent is Simon Carter, who some of you will know from Polyday, or any number of poly community get togethers.

Simon is a trusted friend of mine, and a wonderfully smart chap who has recently started working freelance, and kindly volunteered his new free time to the poly community. I don’t think he was quite sure how much he was biting off, but I have faith that he will be able to chew it. I leave you in his more than capable hands.

Of course, I will still be about: I have articles yet to post here, and I will still be involved in organising events, talking to the media, and working on the website (which is sorely in need of an overhaul, if you ask me). So it is with a satisfied smile on my face that I bid you not a goodbye, but an au revoir, as I step down as editor of this fine establishment. I hope what I have helped to build will continue to thrive, and that I can continue to help the poly cause for as long as I have breath in me – just in future I’ll have a little less responsibility.

UK Poly Mailing List Demographic Survey Results

Grant Denkinson — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 12:32:08 +0000

by Grant Denkinson on Polytical

Summary

An anonymous demographic survey of the uk-poly email list in 2012 had 49 responses and gave an indication of the composition of the list for various diversity strands. Questions on current relationship structures and future desires for relationship types gave a broad range of answers that the researcher found resistant to simple categorisation.

Method

I ran a survey for members of the uk-poly email list between 26 June and 17th July 2012. I asked 14 demographic questions and asked participants for comments about the survey. All of the questions allowed open-ended text responses and were anonymous. The questions and how the survey was announced are reproduced below.

I would like to thank members of the UK based poly activists email list for help in refining the questions, the final choice of which was my own. The survey was carried out online using the Surveymonkey tool.

I analysed the results according to what seemed to me to be easily divisible and useful categories and comment where questions gave answers that I felt resisted such categorisation. Where participants gave answers covering more than one category of my analysis, I count their responses in all of the categories they mention. For example someone calling themselves male genderqueer I count as both male and genderqueer.

Cohort

uk-poly is an email list for polyamorous people in United Kingdom and closely aligned others. The list is for members only, we have a vetting procedure by members for joining based on showing a connection to UK and an understanding of polyamory.

Results

I had 49 participants (the uk-poly list contained 289 subscribers at the time of the survey).

Age varied from 24 to 61 with a mean of 40 and median of 38.

65% said they had no disability, 10% had health conditions or state recognised disability but did not call themselves disabled, 12% considered themselves disabled and 12% listed health conditions but did not comment on whether they called themselves disabled or were unsure.

47% said their gender was male, 2% male and trans, 49% female / woman, 2% female / woman and trans, 4% intergender and 8% genderqueer.

84% said their gender was not different from that gender assigned at birth, 12% said it was different, 6% gave more complex answers or said it was not applicable.

61% have no children or person childcare responsibilities, 35% have children or personal childcare responsibilities and 4% are responsible adults for others’ children.

2% preferred not to answer about their race / ethnicity, 92% are white / Caucasian / Anglo, 10% call themselves English, 57% British, 8% Scottish, 2% Irish, 2% Welsh, 6% European, 2% Latin, 4% Jewish and 16% gave other details including family background, more specific location and mixture.

For religion 39% were athiest, 12% agnostic, 10% humanist, 16% “none”, 2% shamanistic, 4% Buddhist, 8% Pagan, 6% Earth or Eco based, 4% None plus Christian background, 2% None plus Jewish, 8% Quaker, 2% did not answer, 2% Satanist, 2% Christian, 2% Spiritual and 2% Chao-Erisian Thelemite.

For sexuality 35% said they were straight / het., 55% bi / pan / fluid, 16% queer, 2% lesbian, 12% polyamorous, 8% kinky, 4% Sapio / person, 2% vanilla and 6% used other terms such as “broody”, “undecided” and “sexual.”

33% identified as working class, 4% upper working, 59% middle / medium, 4% upper middle, 6% lower middle, 16% as other categories including “student” and changed or mixed classes and background and 8% chose not to answer or do not identify with a class.

Relationships now and future relationships I found diverse and the hardest questions to reduce to categories.

Relationships now included: None; close friendships only; non-monogamous Don’t Ask Don’t Tell; long term poly triad marriage; married with no current secondary or effectively mono; married / live-in partnership now non-sexual plus other sexual relationships; polyamorous mentioning one partner; married to someone monogamous and having a variety of other relationships; seeing someone who is cheating on another relationship; polyamorous mentioning a live in partner plus other partners; open poly structure with a variety of relationships; sex limited by disability; evolving, fuzzy friendships and sexual and/or romantic connections without privileging a certain shape or connection; live-in long term triad plus secondaries; non-monogamous long distance; non-monogamous local plus less regular long distance; multiple long-term committed; long term relationships plus some group sex and several non-hierarchical relationships.

Future relationships included wanting cloud / network; stable primary for child rearing plus secondary; communicative, (re-)negotiated and anti-jealousy; happy as it is now (several mentions); various shapes including a commune; poly with 2 or 3 partners; open mesh polyfamily; as now plus more sexual or BDSM [1] connections; poly relationships / commune plus children; multiple relationships with own living space too; flexible according to time, energy and inclination; as now and keeping primary plus others; local; sexually connected long term group; relationship anarchy, non-hierarchical poly; add partner of specific gender and don’t know.

Where people live had 65% urban, 16% rural, 33% suburban.

Highest level of academic education was currently taking a degree or not having a degree for 18%, 35% said they had a degree, 47% held a postgraduate qualification.

For migration 1% did not answer, 55% had no recent history of migration, 12% answered yes, 22% mentioned migration within UK and 10% mentioned migration to UK from elsewhere.

Other comments included multiple expressions of appreciation of the free text answer format and that the survey was being carried out. One found the questions represented largely the concerns and aspirations of the white middle class, mirroring the email list, and that those outside a list of “worthy” groups were invisible or “enemy”. One found the questions badly worded and another that questions were ambiguous requiring complex answers.

Suggestions for further questions included: languages known & used, political orientation, access to media & communications, events people might be interested in, how the dynamics of various of aspects of identity are represented in relationships and how mixed dynamics play out, relationship history over a child’s lifetime, childcare plans and realities, how “out” people are in different spheres, long term fidelity, relationships between metamours and how poly and BDSM [1] overlap.

Raw data

If other people want to use the anonymous data they are welcome to as long as they say where they got it and make any sampling, alteration or interpretation of the data clear.

Researcher positioning

As a volunteer I have administered the uk-poly email list for approximately a decade and have organised events for polyamorous and non-monogamous people several times.

At the time of organising the survey I am 41 with no disability, male as was assigned to me at birth. I don’t have any children or ongoing childcare responsibilities other than a “godchild”. I am white, English, atheist secular humanist and bisexual / kinky / queer. I don’t identify as a particular class. I live with my partner of 12 years and have other lovers (1 man, the rest women) some of whom I have regular visits with, some I am in regular contact with but see occasionally and some I see as playpartners and friends without regular contact. I am flexible about future relationships but think I strongly prefer poly and openness to new friends and sexual / play connections which could eventually become ongoing. I live in a suburban area. I hold a Masters degree. In terms of migration, my Great Grandparents were Jewish in Eastern Europe.

This research follows my personal interest and is self-funded and independently run.

Conclusions

I found the types of relationships people were in or would like to be in quite varied and this suggests to me that tailored further investigation of multiple poly styles might be more fruitful than a “one size fits all” approach to poly relationship shapes and evolution.

The proportions of people on the list for various diversity strands could be compared against wider population statistics and further demographic or other surveys could be taken of other poly community groups. Intersections between respondents’ replies to the questions might also be of interest.

Using open ended questions was mostly appreciated by those responding though that meant that later categorisation relied more on the views of the researcher.

Where there appears to a lack of a particular group represented in poly community we could look for any perceived barriers people in that group experience and, if we want a poly community for all, we could work on reducing any such barriers and biases. I am personally concerned about how poly community approaches race / ethnicity. I also note the lack of anyone responding as a gay man despite non-monogamy being a widely understood concept in the gay communities that I connect with.

We could also look at areas of overlap with certain demographics as opportunities for outreach and mutual learning or see if there are common factors in membership of a group and being polyamorous or non-monogamous.

Thank you to all who took part in this research.

Grant Denkinson – 2012-08-24.

Text of survey

Survey announcement

I suspect poly community events, lists etc. are biased towards certain groups of people compared to wider society. I’d like to find out how true that is and then we could think about why that might be, whether we wish to change it (or at least signpost people to more appropriate spaces) and if we feel some new projects would be useful.

This survey is to find out some information about people on the uk-poly list. The survey is being organised by me, Grant Denkinson, and members of the uk-poly email list are invited to take part. You don’t have to take part and you can stop taking part while filling it in or not answer any questions you don’t want to answer.

The data will be made available in a way that should not identify anyone filling in the survey personally. The data will be shared on the uk-poly list and elsewhere and if other people want to use the anonymous data they are welcome to as long as they say where they got it and make any sampling, alteration or interpretation of the data clear.

I am doing this survey out of personal interest and to check if our assumptions of who poly community are are accurate. Any costs to run the survey are being met by me on a personal basis. It is not being run together with any other people or organisations.

I hope many of you will take part:

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/BNCKSNW

Grant

Questions asked

How old are you?
Do you consider yourself to be disabled? If so, will you share what impairments you have?
How would you describe your gender?
Is that gender different from what it was assigned at birth? If so would you say more?
Do you have children or personal responsibility for kids? If so, would you say what children you have connection to (age, relationship to them)?
How would you describe your race and ethnicity?
How would describe your religion or spirituality, or non-religious position?
How would your describe your sexual orientation or identity?
How would you describe your social class?
What sort of relationships are you currently in?
What sort of relationship structure(s) would you like to be in?
Do you live in a rural, urban or suburban place, or somewhere else?
What is your highest level of academic education?
Do you have a personal history of migration, or migration in your recent family history?
Any comments about this survey?

References

[1] BDSM: B&D = “bondage & dominance” or “bondage & discipline” D&S = “dominance & submission” S&M = “sadism & masochism”

Limits to Forum Openness

Grant Denkinson — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 15:43:11 +0000

by Grant Denkinson on Polytical

I’ve been pleased to see several places grow on the Internet for poly community. Many aim to span as wide a range of poly people as possible and I think that is usually good: greater diversity as well as greater chance of connecting with like-minded others.

However, many of us who form polyamorous community are closely linked; I often seem to share space with my lovers, their lovers and a number of our ex-lovers. While all this connection can be wonderful, it can cause problems too:

Some of us need to maintain professional boundaries. Perhaps a lecturer doesn’t want to discuss their sex life in front of their students.

Depending on your preferences and relationship agreements you might not want to share your vulnerabilities and worries about one partner where their other partner is reading. If I’m happy to talk about me and poly but don’t want to identify others in my network, how can I anonymise when “everyone knows everyone”?

It can be awkward or painful after a break-up to share even social chat spaces. A parent might prefer not to talk about their kids’ developement in front of their ex.

So sometimes I want to talk to a smaller group.

When we get ourselves organised, this can often be face-to-face. Finding a good group can then be quite informal: inviting selected people to share a table and checking everyone is happy not to pass certain things on. I do not want to be put in the situation of keeping many secrets about one of my lovers when I want to be more open with them so I suggest some sort of check before sharing private stuff. A discussion or support group could have more explicit ground rules on confidentiality and what the group wishes to hold.

Using electronic communications or phone conferences, similar groups are possible. We can form discussions ad-hoc by having a filtered list for a blog or a guest list for a chatroom. Again, I’d recommend checking that everyone agrees about what can be kept confidential.
Setting up an ongoing group with agreements is also pretty easy with a number of sites offering free email lists or group-sharing-things or social networking tools that will evolve with the net.

Remember that people understand ground rules differently, make mistakes and that technology and companies can let you down so perhaps think a little about how “safe” you need a forum to be.

I also ask myself why I need something to be private and if openness might be better – am I being scared of being out about something and why? Could other poly people learn from this by listening or reading? Am I being challenged to engage with a more diverse group of people?

I hope poly will bring many of us together in community, but sometimes I just want to talk to a few of you at a time.

Polyamory in Academia – Session Summary from Polyday

Chris Campbell — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 09:05:10 +0000

by Chris Campbell on Polytical

On 16th June 2012 at Polyday I ran a workshop entitled “Polyamory in academia” to share some of the latest findings, and hear from the poly community about what you think researchers should be looking at next.

Approximately 75 people attended, after a short introduction they were split into roughly 15 groups of about 5 per group and asked to use flip charts to record:

What questions about poly or consensual non-monogamy they would like to see answered by researchers.
What they predicted the answers to those questions would be (i.e. to propose hypotheses)

The following is a summary of their responses, grouped roughly by topic. Each question is followed in brackets by any hypotheses that were suggested, and by the number of groups who recorded that question in one form or another.

For simplicity and brevity, because the terminology used was so diverse, I’ve used a short-hand made up word – ‘conomon’ (CONsensually NON- MONogamous) – to stand for the many types of ethical non-monogamy that were mentioned.

Interestingly, at the end of the session I asked people how would they feel about an effort by researchers to define terms such as ‘swinger’ ‘open relationships’ ‘polyamorous’ ‘polyfidelitous’ etc. The response was mixed with some people saying that they feared how well it would be done, and concerned about the implications, but the majority of the group seemed to be in favour of making the terminology more standardised.

It was a really fun session, people got very involved and the quality of research questions posed was excellent. We even did a little mini-research project towards the end when someone speculated on the link with handedness. The hypothesis tested was that there would be a higher proportion of left-handers in a consensually non-monogamous sample than in the broad population. A show of hands suggested that approximately 10% of the group were left handed (which is about the norm).

That might not have been a groundbreaking study but if nothing else the session showed, not surprisingly since it’s well documented that conomons are generally better educated than the general population, that there is a huge appetite and appreciation for research from members of this community. They were enthusiastic, engaged and really keen to see the science of consensual non-monogamy advanced. I thank everyone who took part and I hope that by the next Polyday progress will have been made on answering some of these questions.

Any questions or comments can be directed to Chris at relationships.research@hotmail.co.uk

Children

How do children of conomon relationships fare? (H – same as other children of similar SES) (3)
Are children of conomons likely to experience prejudice in society and at school? (1)
Do children from conomon families have healthier attitudes to sex? (H – yes) (1)
Are children of conomon families surprisingly well adjusted/ socialized/ what’s their psychological well being like/ are they more open minded/ are they better communicators? (3)
Are children of conomon parents more likely to be conomon themselves? (1)
Do children from conomon families engage in safer sexual practices? (H – probably) (2)

Who is Conomon?

What proportion of the population is conomon? (From discussion – all groups wanted to know the answer to this)
How old are people when they identify as conomon? (1)
Where do people in conomon relationships live? (H – more in cities) (1)
What education levels and work do conomon people have/do? (H – students, teachers, geeks and creative industries) (1)
What types of spiritual/religious beliefs do conomons have? (2)
Is there a common background that brings people to conomon? E.g. What attachment styles do conomons have? What personality traits? SE background in childhood? (3)
What are the different rates of disclosed conomon across different ethnic/social/cultural groups? (4)
Is it actually the case that a higher percentage of conomon people are members of “alternative lifestyles” (LGBT/kinky/geeky/pagan, etc.) or is it a perception as a result of selection bias, is there a hidden, non-kinky conomon community? (6)
To what extent is eccentricity externalized in conomon? Are swingers closer to the mainstream so is poly a deliberate process of dis-identification? (1)
Is there a correlation between non-monogamy and mental health issues (or openness about those issues) (or suicide, alcoholism, drug taking)? (H – yes, those with mental health issues are more likely to question convention and are more self-aware. Realising that you don’t conform might cause anxiety/depression.) (5)
Do conomon people have higher life satisfaction? (1)
Do conomon people have higher libido? Do they have sex more? (H – opinion was split) (1)

What it’s like to be Conomon

Are poly relationships as stable as non-poly/ what’s the break up rate/ are they shorter on average? (H – similar. May depend on constellation size.) (4)
Is relationship length indicative of its value? / Do conomons have different success criteria? (1)
What factors lead people to self-identify as conomon? Is it nature or nurture? Are there any biological correlates (in the brain)? (H – it’s nature not nurture) (2)
Can you identify as conomon when you’re not in any relationships? (1)
How does conomon identity correlate with jealousy, compersion, desire for novelty? (1)
Are conomons better at communicating/resolving conflict? (H – yes) (4)
Is relationship success predicted by whether partners identified as conomon prior to initiating the conomon relationship? (1)
Do conomons spend less time with those that they love than mono people and do they prefer this? (1)
How do conomons define commitment, is exclusivity as essential part, is there a link to jealousy? (2)
Is it a phase? (2)
Are the rates of std transmission in conomon relationships the same as the rest of the population? (1)
Why are conomon people not out, especially to their parents, what are the constraints on disclosure)? (2)
What are the boundaries between close friends/ romantic friendships/ partners. What is the number and balance for people who choose conomon? (1)
How does conomon challenge the traditional gender roles in relationships? (1)
What sort of things are conomon people not communicating with their partners about? (1)
Does being conomon make bereavement easier/harder/different to deal with, and in what ways? (1)
Does being conomon make break-ups easier/harder/different to deal with, and in what ways? (1)
How does being conomon affect carer responsibilities? (1)
Is it possible to love more than one person? (2)
Why do people choose to stop being conomon? (1)

Legal/Social/Historical Issues

What are typical reactions when coming out to parents? (Confusion; skepticism; acceptance; anger; rejection of some partners; negotiation/pressure to change; “Don’t tell grandma”) (1)
How do conomons arrange legal and financial status of partners? (1)
What’s the history of the norms of monogamy vs non-monogamy – has their been a growth of consent/ equitability in relationships? (1)
What lessons can be drawn from the operation of poly (gynous/gamous) marriage laws in other countries? (2)
What issues, ramifications and barriers/solutions would legalizing conomon marriages present?
What has the impact of the internet and social media had on the exposure and raising of awareness of non-monogamy? (1)
Is being in a conomon relationship stigmatizing/ what are conomon experiences living in a mononormative society? (2)
What are conomons perceptions of monogamy?
Why does society consider monogamy the norm? Is it a western thing? (2)
Do we need a new vocabulary? Poly-linguistics? Are there parallels with other sociolects? (1)